Thursday, May 04, 2006

Guinness, here's your new marketing strategy.

At dinner this evening, I decided to have a couple of beers. By beer, of course, I mean Guinness.

As is wont to happen when I've had a few drinks, things get wacky. For whatever reason, we started inserting the word Guinness into movie titles where it didn't belong. For instance, you might take "TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze," and say "TMNT 2: The Secret of the Guinness." Basically, it's a laugh riot.

However, we came up with three titles that will make no sense to you if you have never seen or heard of any of the Star Trek movies. We have:

The Guinness of Khan
The Guinness for Spock
The Undiscovered Guinness

We then realized we could transform these three things into 2 commercials that Guinness could use, provided they can garner the acting prowess of Ricardo Montalban, William Shatner, and Leonard Nimoy. They may or may not have to channel the ghost of Deforest Kelley, I haven't decided. Anyway, here's a working script for the two commercials.

Commercial 1: The Guinness of Khan/The Guinness for Spock

[We are in a bar. Ricardo Montalban (Khan) sits down at the bar.]

Khan: May I have a pint of Guinness, please?
Sexy Bartender: Sure you can! It's our last one.

[The Guinness is served, Khan takes a drink, and looks very refreshed. Next, William Shatner (Kirk) approaches the bar, and stands right next to the seated Khan. They give each other a glance, nothing more.]

Kirk: May I have a Guinness for my friend in the corner?

[Kirk points toward Leonard Nimoy (Spock) who gives the "Live Long and Prosper" sign, anxiously awaiting his Guinness.]

Sexy Bartender: I'm sorry, we're out.
Khan: [To Kirk] Sorry, I got the last one.

[Overhead view. Kirk looks up directly into the camera, shakes, and then shouts:]

Kirk: Khaaaaaaaaaaan!

Commercial 2: The Undiscovered Guinness

[We are in the same bar as before, picking up right where we left off. Kirk is about to leave the bar when he finds there is no Guinness left, but the Sexy Bartender stops him.]

Sexy Bartender: Actually, I have just been informed that we have discovered a keg of Guinness! Would you still like one?
Kirk: Most certainly.

[The Guinness is served.]

Kirk: Oh, actually, could I get one of those cocktail umbrellas to go with it?
The Guinness: [in the voice of Deforest Kelley] Dammit Jim, I'm a Guinness, not a Mojito!

[Kirk deadpans at the camera.]

Basically, since Guinness keeps playing the same "That's Brilliant" commercials, I thought they could use a little help. Guinness, if you're reading this, which I know that you are, I expect a check for 1 million dollars to be in the mail tomorrow. Thank you.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Security devices? More like "render your product disgusting" devices.

I am so fucking sick of Best Buy.

I really love the fact that things are cheaper there than pretty much anywhere else, especially on release day. However, their love affair with "Security Devices" is start to grate on me like a cheese grater thats grating on a block of ungrated parmesean.

What is the logic behind putting so many stickers and shit all over your products? Sure, I could understand you doing this if they came off fairly readily, but this is ridiculous. I can never get these things off with any sort of regularity, and I always end up with a CD/DVD case that is rendered completely unusable due to the amount of sludge all over the top, bottom, and side of the case. It's entirely possible that I am just the most inept creature in the universe when it comes to this type of thing, but come on. Help me out here.

I was even going to shell out the 20 dollars or whatever it costs to buy 10 DVD cases to replace all the ones that have been ruined in this fashion, but they weren't even selling DVD cases proper.

Seriously, what the hell are you doing? You're ruining my life. If you keep this up, I'm just going to order everything off of Amazon from now on. You don't want to lose out to a vendor that's named after some has-been region in South A-fucking-merica, do you? Didn't think so. Get your act together, man.

In addition to this horrible experience, my digital camera just decided to stop working. I was going to go to Best Buy and buy the exact model that I have, put my broken one in the box, and return it, basically to get a camera for free, and to stick it to the man. However, they weren't selling my model, so that means I couldn't perform this awesome act of fraud.

One more straw and this camel's back is going to break.

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