Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Didn't order a mocha? Then don't take it, genius.

It is well-known that I visit a coffee shop here in this lowly village every single weekday. I really enjoy going there in the morning because it's usually pretty relaxed, and I can get my drink in under a couple of minutes. Since I'm there every day and get basically the same thing (since I'm so boring), the girl who makes the drinks is always prepared to whip up a double tall [insert flavor of the day here] latte for me pretty quickly. It's the one thing I look forward to every day.

At night, the story changes completely. Since they also serve food, a lot of pseudo-Bohemian losers like to go there to pretend that they are hip, so there's usually a big crowd. Obviously, I generally avoid this place at night.

Last night, I was going to have to be at work until like 1:30 am, and a friend offered to buy some coffee. "What a great opportunity," thought I. "I could get some coffee for free, and then I'm sure I'll be able to stay awake to finish my work. Let's all go and enjoy a fine brew from the coffee shop, gentlemen!"

There is no difference between this idea of mine and Communism. You know, really good in theory, and pretty much everyone thinks it's totally going to work, but it just never does. The reason why it never works is usually do to a very select group of people who totally fuck it up for everyone else involved.

Here is precisely what I mean. My three friends and I all place our drink orders, and we're waiting around for the drinks to be made and served. In the meantime, other fake hipsters are walking in and ordering their single-tall-skim-decaf-vanilla lattes, and just standing around, much like we were doing.

However, because these failures share an important property with a brick wall (the IQs of both parties mentioned are identical), as soon as a drink is made, regardless of what it is called (because the barista would call out the name of the drink before putting it on the counter), one of these idiots will think it is theirs and take it. If you try to stop them, you can try all you want to contact them via the perferred mode of human contact, speech. Unfortunately, this will get you nowhere, because they're too occupied with their goddamned iPod earbuds in their ears and the volume turned up way loud. They want you to think they're listening to the new Sufjan Stevens record, or possibly something by Metric, but they're really listening to "that hot new My Chemical Romance single." Christ.

Let this be a lesson to any of you who fall into the category of people mentioned above. If you didn't order a double-tall mocha to go, if you did, in fact, order a single tall skim decaf latte, then don't take the fucking chocolate drink full of sugar and caffeine. Take the unflavored water drink that you did order, and take off your "retro" jacket that you want everyone to think you bought at a thrift shop, but really got from J.C. Penney. Seriously, if you really wanted your fake drink, you would have waited for it. You just wanted to have people see you walk into a coffee shop and walk out with a cup in your hand. Fuck you.

Comments:
some one sure gets cranky without their coffee.

bazing!
 
It's more like I get cranky when someone else takes my coffee because they're an idiot, but yeah.
 
well, its the place you buy your coffee from ;)
 
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