Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I hereby declare war on Mother Nature.

Mother Nature and I just haven't been getting along all that well, and it's time to put a stop to it. I have met with the House of Commons, and we have decided to declare war on the "Life-Giver." Shock and Awe, baby.

You're probably wondering why this is the case. Well, I'll fill you in. We'll have to start at the beginning.

Of the four elements (earth, fire, water, and wind), wind is definitely my mortal enemy. All it ever does is try to destroy me. It's impossible to smoke when it's windy, it blows your hair around, and it makes everything colder. We're not talking gentle breezes folks, we're talking about the types of wind with gusts up to 40 mph (or 64 kph for my readers across the pond). Seriously, who came up with wind?

Yesterday, the world around me decided to participate in some sort of armageddon, and it precipitated all day long. In the morning, it was just a bit of rain, no big deal. However, as the day progressed, rain turned into freezing rain, which turned into sleet, which turned into snow, which will hopefully be melting into summer. In any event, once the snow hit, it began to get windy. As if the terribleness of it snowing wasn't bad enough, it had to be blowing in every direction at once, making it impossible for one to exist.

After work, I was just going to catch a bus home, but a couple of mah homies (yes, I'm that ghetto) invited me to go to "Es Tas," a Mexican place that has funny names for all of their tacos. (For instance, their beef tacos are called "Mad Tacos" and their shrimp tacos are called "Pink Tacos." It's really easy to amuse college students. Es Tas is totally hip to who their target audience is.)

Anyway, since I decided to grab a couple of tacos, I totally missed the bus, and had to walk the mile or so back to my apartment in the terrible windy hell that was the outdoors. After cursing nature and everything it holds dear all the way back, I had to get in my car and run a couple of errands before meeting up with a friend to work on a few things.

Bad idea.

The combination of gusty winds and blowing snow ensured that the streets were isomorphic to hockey rinks. After slip-sliding my way down the main East-West boulevard, I decided to slow down to 10 mph (again, 16 kph for the Eurotrash) and crawl all the way to and from my destinations. It was ridiculous, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

When I finally decided to leave my friend's house at 1:40 AM or so, I had to scrape massive amounts of ice off of my car in the ever gusting winds. I could not believe how angry this made me. Seriously, like I would have killed anyone in sight during this fiasco. That, and it took me about 20 minutes before the car was warmed up enough to actually roll down the windows, and I have to have a cigarette when I drive. I'll be damned if I'm smoking with the windows up, even if the Queen of the Flora and Fauna is going to be blowing her nose all over creation.

Today is just ungodly cold, coupled (again) with winds that are out of control. I can't even buy a fucking coffee at the cafe and walk the 300 yards back to the building without it freezing in my hands. If I can't enjoy a coffee, I can't enjoy life, and I'll make sure to punish whoever it is thinks it's a good idea to prevent me from enjoying life.

Due to these incendiary actions, Mother Nature and I are now at war. I don't expect to see an armistice anytime soon (especially since Armistice Day was last week, so we have to wait at least a year now). If I were you, I'd get out of the way.

Watch out, Gaia. You totally pissed off the King Bee and his horde. Don't think I'm going to let you get away with it, not this time.

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