Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Betrayal at the House on the Hill

Today was an odd day, let me tell you. However, to understand today, you must know about last night.

Yesterday was Tuesday, known to some here as "Taco Night," something I've mentioned before. After a couple of veggie tacos, a couple of Coronas, and infinite chips (with salsa), I walked home through the terrifying windiness (although not as windy as last time, since we've made advances in the War on Nature) to relax for an hour or so until it was time.

That's right, until it was time to visit "The House on the Hill." Naturally, by "visit" I mean "play," and by "The House on the Hill," I mean "the board game called 'The Betrayal at the House on the Hill'." Let me tell you, if you like games at all, you must absolutely pick this game up and get a few friends together and play it. You will likely perish in flame because it's so good. It's a lot like Clue, only a thousand times more interesting and has nearly 13,289 times as many outcomes. I could describe it, but I probably wouldn't do it justice. All you really have to know about it is that it is a game that is creepier than anything on this planet, it deserves to be played on Halloween during a thunderstorm when the power is out, and that it will leave you wanting more.

Trust me, just play it and you'll see.

After I finally got home at about 1:45 AM, I remembered that my bedroom was in complete disarray, so I had to sleep on the couch. In a complete absentminded fashion, I neglected to set an alarm. I'm pretty sure this is due to my subconscious ensuring that I would be forced to sleep in and decide to have an amazing day.

After waking up at 9:30 and realizing that I should have already been in my office at that time, I decided to just give up and call the salon to see if the lovely Amanda had any openings. She did, and after about half an hour in her most amazing care, I came out feeling like a rock star again. In order to test this newfound sex appeal, I decided to go to Best Buy and flirt it up with the cashier girl. It totally worked. I'm in love with my hair stylist, and I hope she knows how much she is appreciated.

After stopping off at a couple of shops to purchase some much needed wares, I headed over to the coffee shop where I live when I decide that my apartment is crap. I sat around there and read the lame Iowa State Daily until I got angry enough to sever the Achille's tendon on my right ankle, and decided to head to my office (for the first time of the day) at 3pm.

After putting up with students and their terrible requests for too long, I went out to dinner with the Someday Bum where we received terrible service from some really familiar looking woman named Nicole. It was pretty awkward.

I could keep talking about how awesome my day was, but I might bore you to tears. So I'll give you the highlights of the remainder of what I did during the rest of the day:

- tacitly cursed the snow/wind
- finally began cleaning my garbage pit of an apartment
- finished watching season 2 of "The L Word"
- starting writing an exam for my class tomorrow
- wrote this crap for my idiot blog

I'm thinking about doing the same thing tomorrow, but it's going to be rough, since I have 3 classes and everything. Eh, we'll see what happens.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I hereby declare war on Mother Nature.

Mother Nature and I just haven't been getting along all that well, and it's time to put a stop to it. I have met with the House of Commons, and we have decided to declare war on the "Life-Giver." Shock and Awe, baby.

You're probably wondering why this is the case. Well, I'll fill you in. We'll have to start at the beginning.

Of the four elements (earth, fire, water, and wind), wind is definitely my mortal enemy. All it ever does is try to destroy me. It's impossible to smoke when it's windy, it blows your hair around, and it makes everything colder. We're not talking gentle breezes folks, we're talking about the types of wind with gusts up to 40 mph (or 64 kph for my readers across the pond). Seriously, who came up with wind?

Yesterday, the world around me decided to participate in some sort of armageddon, and it precipitated all day long. In the morning, it was just a bit of rain, no big deal. However, as the day progressed, rain turned into freezing rain, which turned into sleet, which turned into snow, which will hopefully be melting into summer. In any event, once the snow hit, it began to get windy. As if the terribleness of it snowing wasn't bad enough, it had to be blowing in every direction at once, making it impossible for one to exist.

After work, I was just going to catch a bus home, but a couple of mah homies (yes, I'm that ghetto) invited me to go to "Es Tas," a Mexican place that has funny names for all of their tacos. (For instance, their beef tacos are called "Mad Tacos" and their shrimp tacos are called "Pink Tacos." It's really easy to amuse college students. Es Tas is totally hip to who their target audience is.)

Anyway, since I decided to grab a couple of tacos, I totally missed the bus, and had to walk the mile or so back to my apartment in the terrible windy hell that was the outdoors. After cursing nature and everything it holds dear all the way back, I had to get in my car and run a couple of errands before meeting up with a friend to work on a few things.

Bad idea.

The combination of gusty winds and blowing snow ensured that the streets were isomorphic to hockey rinks. After slip-sliding my way down the main East-West boulevard, I decided to slow down to 10 mph (again, 16 kph for the Eurotrash) and crawl all the way to and from my destinations. It was ridiculous, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

When I finally decided to leave my friend's house at 1:40 AM or so, I had to scrape massive amounts of ice off of my car in the ever gusting winds. I could not believe how angry this made me. Seriously, like I would have killed anyone in sight during this fiasco. That, and it took me about 20 minutes before the car was warmed up enough to actually roll down the windows, and I have to have a cigarette when I drive. I'll be damned if I'm smoking with the windows up, even if the Queen of the Flora and Fauna is going to be blowing her nose all over creation.

Today is just ungodly cold, coupled (again) with winds that are out of control. I can't even buy a fucking coffee at the cafe and walk the 300 yards back to the building without it freezing in my hands. If I can't enjoy a coffee, I can't enjoy life, and I'll make sure to punish whoever it is thinks it's a good idea to prevent me from enjoying life.

Due to these incendiary actions, Mother Nature and I are now at war. I don't expect to see an armistice anytime soon (especially since Armistice Day was last week, so we have to wait at least a year now). If I were you, I'd get out of the way.

Watch out, Gaia. You totally pissed off the King Bee and his horde. Don't think I'm going to let you get away with it, not this time.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and...Dodge.

As you may or may not know (actually, I have no idea how any of you would know), I have joined an intramural dodgeball team. The team is made up of entirely mathematics graduate students, and the name of the team is "Your Math Teacher." It's still funny to me every time I hear the announcer say, "On court 6, we have Team Buchanan playing against Your Math Teacher." Yes, I'm easily amused.

However, most of the teams we have to play against are extremely athletic types who seem to be taking the game seriously and are actually quite good at it. They'll be arguing with referees and throwing tantrums when they get out. It's rather depressing to watch a bunch of undergraduates act like this. I wonder, if the had the same flair for their studies, wouldn't they just be amazing students?

Needless to say, since we're just a bunch of wannabe mathemagicians, it's downright impossible to win a game. We've been close, but we haven't gotten over that first hurdle yet.

At the time of this writing, we're 0-18, in fact.

We had a few matches last night, and I tried something new, which was just being undeniably aggressive. Usually, that's how I ever win anything that is based on physical prowess, because let's face it; when you're as cool/intelligent/amazing as I am, you have to have a trade off somewhere. However, my aggressiveness is unparalleled, and that's what often lifts me above my opponents. I tried it last night and got a few guys out, but every time I tried to catch a ball, I dropped it. Now my knees are skinned, and you know how annoying that is.

If I may mention something else, you should all know that I have been named as the recipient of the Graduate College Teaching Excellence award for the Fall of 2005. That's right, I'm fucking outstanding. You should wish that you and your children could have me as a teacher.

It's just nice, after all this time of teaching and tutoring, to finally get some respect. Oh, and a check for 200 dollars as well.

There are two parties this weekend that I'm going to. My liver and kidneys will probably be shutting down around 1am on Sunday, so I'll let you know how that works out.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Words are meaningless and forgettable.

Alright, I've been getting comments telling me to post, so I'll go ahead and do that.

It's been a while, but that's because I spend 953 hours per day in the office working, so it's hard to find time to spew vitriol on the blog. I'll try to update more regularly in the future to keep all of my faithful readers [read: my brothers] entertained.

Last week Friday, I decided to drink a thousand beers. It was a rough week, and I needed to get liquored up. There is a bar here that holds some sort of FAC special (which stands for "Friday After Class" for those of you not cursed enough to live in Iowa). Basically, this bar has Bud Light [read: toilet water] for 50 cents a pop, so you can walk in with five dollars and walk out with a ticket for public intoxication. It's a great idea, really.

Since I hadn't eaten enough to have anything in my stomach by the time 4pm rolled around, 7 beers in about an hour and a half pretty much did the trick. For some reason or another, a couple of friends and I decided to go see a band called Okkerville River (whom I have never even heard of, but my office mate suggested them, and his taste in music is pretty good). Well, we got to the concert about an hour early, so we went to a nearby (different) bar and drank even more.

I also managed to run into a student on the way back to the concert, and I told her that I had been on heroin most of the day (which was totally true), and she got a kick out of it. It was amazing.

The opening band at this concert must have been some sort of concept band, as every musician (and I use the term loosely) had a beard and was balding and basically unattractive. It was so terrible, and the three of us there were so drunk that we left before the band we had just paid 10 dollars to see even got up on the stage.

What a lame story.

In other news, France is apparently blowing itself up because the FNB (Fédération Nationale de Brie) is warring against the government. There's unrest and all that good stuff, and now I hear it's downright impossible to get a good baguette anywhere in Paris. These are scary times in which we live, my friends.

My plan is to come up with a really good post really soon. Since none of my plans ever come to fruition, don't hold your breath.

Oh, and I totally revamped my blog, because I'm cool like that. I haven't been able to get the "recent songs" to update quite as often as it should, but I'm working out the kinks, so keep your criticisms to a minimum.

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