Saturday, October 01, 2005

I think knowing who Khanate and Birdflesh are will make me better and cooler than everyone else.

respect; walk

All work and no play makes King a dull Bee. Hence, I decided to return for a jaunt into the netherworld known as the intarweb, and make fun of this terrible chump who claims to be a music snob.

In the terrible ISU paper a couple days ago, there was an article called "Confessions of a Music Elitist." Naturally, as you can expect, I had an instant affinity with the individual who had written this article. However, my dreams of finally having found my life partner were dashed when I found out that this guy isn't a music elitist (like me), he's an obscurist (like an idiot). I was crushed.

(It's kind of funny that I'm writing about this, because the rastafarian guys who live in my apartment complex just started grilling, and they just turned up some Bob Marley really loud. I digress.)

Early on in the article, he mentions things about High Fidelity, so instantly you think he's hip. You'd be wrong, since we find out soon afterwards that not only does he like to drink Miller Lite, he doesn't know the difference between good bands and horrid ones. He states:

I also have Radiohead, Led my collection.

He thinks that just because a band is popular, he must be uncool for liking them. This is the first sign of true failure, as anyone who has seen High Fidelity would know that Rob Gordon listens to pop, not "Czechoslovakian (sic) grindcore bands."

His failure is compounded in the ellipsis above. I inserted the ellipsis myself, so as to make it more dramatic when I revealed what that sentence really says:

I also have Radiohead, Led Zeppelin, Dr. Dre and every Weezer album in my collection.

Here's a guy who thinks that he hasn't committed a grave crime against music by equating Weezer ownership with Led Zeppelin ownership. Furthermore, he throws Weezer in the same hopper as Radiohead! Weezer! That band that once heard a chord progression with more than three chords in it and exploded, remember? Jesus!

He then fully confirms his status as an affront to everyone who is a true elitist with the following collection of runes:

To this day, there are many occasions when I wholeheartedly embrace pop music. When I'm down on Welch Avenue throwing back a couple brews, the last thing I want to hear is some underground band - I want Lynyrd Skynyrd, Johnny Cash and Everclear. That's right, I said it - Everclear.

Lynyrd Skynyrd sucks. Everclear sucks. How dare you call yourself an elitist when you are actively trying to find opportunities to listen to Everclear? You actually like that song where we can "watch the world die?" They are so totally one of the worst one-hit wonder bands to grace (and I use the term loosely) the terrible music scene that was the mid to late 90s. Sure, you had some keepers (Nine Inch Nails, Tool, Autechre, Depeche Mode), but all of those bands had been around prior to that time period and were already popular. Very few new acts from that era are even relevant to the music scene anymore, and your insistance upon irrelevance does not brand you as an elitist.

It brands you as a complete idiot.

He also lets us know that "the reason [he] began to delve into the more obscure realms of music, particularly the heavy-metal genre, isn't because [he] think knowing who Khanate and Birdflesh are will make me better or cooler than anyone else. It's because [he's] always searching for something new to listen to." Well dude, sorry. I've never heard anything by "Birdflesh," but I can absolutely guarantee you that they are one of the most terrible bands on the face of this planet. How do I know? Because you have exhibited terrible taste in music, and your interest in grindcore makes me want to cut off my own fingers and shove them down my throat, then beat myself senseless with what is left of my hands.

Just reading this article makes me feel dirty. I need to go listen to massive amounts of Autolux, The Stone Roses and Ladytron (pop bands that don't suck, you terrible affront to culture) to get you off my mind.

As long as we're talking about music and about how much my opinions about music are better than everyone else's, you should know that I finally got amaroK installed in Linux to the point where it doesn't eat up all my resources all the time. The meaning of this? Soon we'll have an up to the minute accurate report as to what the last song was that I listened to on the Hive. (That's what my home box is called. I basically use it as a glorified jukebox; with about 500 albums on it.) Sound interesting? Stay tuned for that.

mr. king bee,

congrats on being a true music elitist, there are so few of them in the world today. i read the same editorial as you and had a similar response. my problem? i only aspire to music elitism. some day, some day, i shall be a true music elitist. any way, high fidelity is a marvelous movie and a fantastic read.

~the waitress
didn't you used to like weezer?

-The other rastafarian in your life.

p.s. you want "steppin' razor" by sublime....that's a good one
I hate everyone who thinks they know anything about music. Except those who actually know anything about music. If that makes sense.
Waitress - I wouldn't normally recommend that someone aspire to be jaded, but in the case of music, I do. Good work.

Rasta - Weezer has one album that is worth listening to. Unfortunately, it's the only one no one ever listens to.

Regardless of whether or not I like Weezer, I do not equate them with Led Zeppelin. That is the key.

Jack - Agreed.
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