Sunday, September 04, 2005

The space-time continuum is not a local calling area.

in the year 2525

People normally travel on labor day, and since I am an element of said set, I thought I'd partake in this most ancient of American traditions.

Labor Day Weekend usually coincides with one of my sisters' birthdays, so I decided to proverbially kill the two proverbial birds with a single proverbial stone. I could visit her, as well as see other members of my family. However, what happened on this drive was something that I could never prepare for.

As usual, I was hopped up on caffeine from the five Red Bulls that I drank on the drive there. Hence, in addition to having my bladder explode all over US-20 East, when I got to the Mississippi River, I cried out (at the top of my lungs, no less), "There she is! The ol' Miss! The ol' Man!" I then sang along with Madonna's "Like a Prayer," arguablly one of the best pop double entendres that I've encountered. However, these were not the surprising things, this was just typical fare for this type of a trip.

Whilst coming down off of my caffeine high, I was forced to bear witness to the most miserable radio commercial ever conceived. I say "forced," since my car does not have any of the amenities that your more modern motor vehicles do, such as CD player, tape player, or even 8 track player. I am forced to listen to the local color on the various radio stations or drive in silence. Neither option sounds tempting, I know, but at least with the former I can end up singing along to Madonna sometimes.

The commercial was for US Cellular, one of the popular cell phone providers in this country, and shortly after hearing it, I hurriedly got out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote down the important parts so I could blog about it later -- while driving 65 miles an hour in a construction zone, no less. Let me set the scene for you.

We hear a woman's voice; she's probably pretty hip and in her twenties. She says the following:

I wonder about things sometimes. For instance, if you travel into the future and make a phone call, would you get charged for roaming?

Let me stop here for a moment. When I heard this, I was assuming that she was going to tell us about this new "future" with US Cellular, where no one pays roaming charges anymore, and everyone runs around with smiles on their faces. However, she had the audacity to make the following comment instead:

I don't know about you, but I'm guessing the space-time continuum doesn't count as a local calling area.

I have no idea where to begin with critiquing how utterly ludicrous this statement is, so I think I'll start with my reaction. It was a very audible "what in the fuck is she talking about," followed by a "stupid bitch, what the hell is wrong with this commercial," and finally followed by a "holy fuck, I am going to kill myself this is so insane." I kind of stopped listening to the commerical after that.

It's like saying that if I were to move to a different place on this planet, I would no longer be in the same solar system that I am now. What the hell?

First off, I would be impressed if this woman (or the marketing wizards who wrote the commercial) could even spell the word "continuum." I think we all know what she was going for, but to say the future is part of the space-time continuum, and the present is not just blows my mind entirely. Perhaps she is really a gifted scientist who hopes to break down all of Einstein's theories, and she's just starting by planting the seeds in people's brains by being the voiceover for a very confusing spot on a radio station in Nowheresville, WI.

Do I know what the space-time continuum theory is, exactly? No, I don't understand all of that stuff about space and time being one entity. However, I do know that her usage of the term is so utterly and inconceivably wrong that I almost drove my car off of a bridge because I couldn't take the mental and physical pain that this commercial was causing me.

Usually, when stupid people try to sound intelligent, they fail miserably. Let that be a lesson to all you youngsters out there; don't feign intelligence, because I (or someone just as irritable as me) will blog about your status as the worst human on the planet.

I have other stories too, but I didn't want to clump them into one post. I should be posting daily for the next 2 days at least, so stay tuned.

We can end this entry on the wisest adage that Robert Plant has ever penned in his days as lyricist for Led Zeppelin:

I don't know, but I've been told that a big legged woman ain't got no soul.

Amen, brother.

...and no brain. For most of the time at least. The same for marketing guys. I really wonder who on earth would pay a lot of money for bullshit like this. Every blind and crippled monkey riding on horseback could do a better job.

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