Saturday, September 10, 2005

Laying the pavement out for what's ahead in the journey.

Well, gentle readers, it's happened again. The King Bee has been blessed by the gods of the Lost and Found, and he has come into the possession of an essay; to be more precise, it is the notorious "Paper 1#." Finally, we have another item to add to the King Bee's Repository of Shit People Have Discarded Which I Have Found and Decided to Make Fun of to Make Myself Feel Like a Big Man (website coming soon!).

It was a normal Thursday evening. I was yelling at the straggling students to finish up the quiz because I wanted to go home. If it's a quiz that I can complete in 30 seconds and they're still pondering after 25 minutes, well, there's a problem.

After finally doing away with the last of them, I went out of the room to find the Someday Bum sitting on a nearby bench reading what looked to be a note. My first thought was "Holy shit, I totally need to read this and make fun of it on the intarweb!" Being the type of guy he is, the Someday Bum said he would concede the note, only after he had read it himself. I have scanned it and uploaded it for your pleasure (page 1, page 2).

The essay (in the strongest sense of that word, actually) consists of what I believe a freshman lad trying to use English to communicate his thoughts about a first year in college. The funny thing is that I can only assume that he is a native English speaker (in the weakest sense of that phrase, actually), so the whole essay will either split your sides or melt your brain, depending on how you look at it.

Let's help the lad out, shall we?

The fucking thing is titled "Paper 1#," not "Paper #1." You just know it's going to be bad.

The second sentence is not a sentence. Worse still, 2 of the 3 "phrases" he lists aren't even phrases. They're just solitary words.

Fifth line: "I believe it be the main-foundation for ones success." Well, I believe in conjugation. It would appear that our philosophies conflict.

In line 9, we find out that he has "a set ahead, rather than having a step-behind." This is the third time we run into his obnoxious use of the hyphen, and really the first time that he confuses two words as different as "set" and "step." Jesus Christ man, don't you read the sentence as you write it? How does that possibly make any sense at all?

Finally, we realize what is truly wrong with this student. Right after the whole "set ahead" conundrum, he admits: "Also being a student-athlete you have to learn how to use your time efficently [sic] and balance your school-work and football together." So, these are the types of people who get scholarships over me, are they? People who can barely fucking communicate and likely share more things in common with a chimpanzee than your market standard homo sapien get to go to college for free, while I had to pay for it.

We also see that one of his goals is to maintain a 3.25 GPA while taking a whopping 14 credits! My god man, that's impossible! That is like four-classes, something that no-one could pos-sibly accomplish in ones first-semester.

A few lines further and we realize he wants to build his reputation "within the teacher." Well son, that's a pretty funny double entendre you have going there (when he is probably under the assumption that "within" is the correct preposition to go with "building reputations"), and I'd like to give you credit for it. You've impressed me once so far. Let's see what's next.

Wow, in the next lines, you admit your weaknesses, and you actually cite the English language as one of them! This is a huge turning point. At least he knows he sucks at communication, right? NO. He claims he is "good with both, but in-order to be successful in a world that is competitive as ours is today, you need to be at your best in all areas of academics and intellient [sic]" -- and there ends the sentence. I believe his ADHD has reared its ugly head. No matter though, he just trudges along, and creates a new paragraph.

It goes on like this, only it gets worse as it gets longer. I can make comment after comment on each sentence, and eventually bore you to death, but you can click the links above and just read it right? Most of you should be able to see how terrible this boy's usage of my most beloved of languages is.

However, I would like to cite one great piece of wisdom that the anonymous author of Paper 1# has decided to bestow upon us. If we can survive to the end, refraining, tempting though it may be, to drive a railroad spike into our respective pelvic regions, we would find out exactly what our penman was after. He wasn't looking to change the world, or become the president, or even know when to use a hyphen. He knew all along that he was going to use Paper 1# as his platform, or soapbox, if you will, to let us know what it really means to face a challenge.

To be educated, is to have a great sense of wisdom & knowledge that have been developed. To encounter life challenges, struggles and conquer them and apply the stratieges [sic] that you developed to overcome these challenges.

Plato, Aristotle, Descartes, Rousseau, Sartre; these men tried all their lives to sum up what it meant to face challenges. They never came close to accomplishing the feat; but our humble wordsmith, our worthy essayist, managed to sum it up in about one and a half pages.

Just look at that last sentence, it's beautiful. He gracefully shifts from a listing of nouns to just inserting verbs. He doesn't even take the time to realize that what he is writing will not make sense, but he doesn't care. He needs us to know. We needed to be privy to what he's privy; he just couldn't wait.

And it would have been great to end there, but no. He ruins the heartfelt moment that we've all just shared by inserting the most incomplete of sentences, "It becomes a habit that," something that doesn't even really follow from the previous sentence. We instantly find ourselves lost, and forget the epiphany we just had. It's like waking up from a bad dream you can't remember, or finally realizing how much you hate the company of others and deciding not to get phone numbers after long conversations because you know you'd probably just use that person for a little while, and you already sort of can't stand her right now, because you know that you're so much more intelligent than she and your mind is working on a different level and --

Okay, sorry, I kind of lapsed into something that happened to me yesterday, where I was scolded by a friend for not getting the phone number of a cute girl named Mandy who bummed a cigarette from me and then proceeded to hold a 10 to 15 minute flirtation session with me. It's the new hair, I know. I need to walk around with a pointy stick these days. But I digress.

Time to stash ol' Paper 1# along with the other finds the King Bee has made over the past couple years, and then he's going to refer you to this blog entry. If you use a Mac, it's funny. If you know anything about the themes in OSX, it's funny. If the only OS you've ever seen is Windows, then just forget it.

In response to the wild amount of comments I got last time I posted a DJ G Sounds song, I'm posting the new one, entitled "Das Ewig-Weibliche Zieht Uns Hinan," which I'm pretty sure is German for "I Let a Hot Chick Sit On My Face Last Night," but to be honest, my German is rusty. Enjoy.

Your interpretation/translation abilities are great. You must have been a genius in interpreting poems.
I can't even say anything to paper 1#, only... fuck I can use your language in a better way than this guy.

My first mac =
Above anon poster = Jack
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