Friday, September 16, 2005

I'd hate to go without a kill tonight.

the red sun of krypton

So, it's Friday night. Why would someone as social as the King Bee be at his trusty laptop, updating his blog? I'll tell you.

I killed Bambi.

Well, maimed, at any rate.

Let me set the scene for you. I was sitting around my apartment listening to Ladytron at an ungodly volume when I realized it was past the 8 o'clock hour, and decided to ring the Someday Bum to see if he would be hip to some carousing. He has this whole thing where he hangs out with a girl and they do private, naughty things together, and tonight was one of those nights where they were gearing up for some XXX action. Naturally, as any good man would, he had to decline my offer, tacitly choosing the XXX action in the process.

I told him I would just go out for a drive and chainsmoke (well, I left that last bit out). I was driving around this Jerkwater Burg, buying things like bottles of water and dirty women, when I decided it was about time to head home, drink an inch and a half of Hennessy, then try to get women to perform sex acts upon me in exchange for money.

On my way back, I decided to loop around the city and check out some of the places I haven't driven around before. I was motoring along (at the speed limit, no less), when two deer cut across my path. I slowed down for them, and they got safely to their destination on the other side of the road. When I sped up again and cast my gaze off to the side to admire some of my animal friends, I did not notice the third fawn who decided it was her turn to try and tempt the fates. When I looked forward again, it was too late.

I slammed on the brakes and managed to slow down quite a bit, but I still smacked the deer with the powerful force of 1991 Buick Century. Since America used to build cars as though they were tanks, there was no damage done to my vehicle, but the poor little creature was helpless in the middle of the thoroughfare. I pulled over and mulled over my options. I called back the Someday Bum to see what to do, but could only leave a message, as I can only assume the aforementioned XXX action was already in full swing.

A woman and her teenage son decided to pull over and comfort me, and I decided to call the police. While this was happening, the dazed doe was trying desperately to stand up and get away. I can only liken its gait to that of a college freshman who has just participated in some horrendous drinking game.

After a few tries, the deer righted itself, just as the cops arrived. Now, I don't hate cops, but they make me uneasy, what with all of their firearms and ability to put me in jail for the night. Hence, I inquired as to whether I had any responsibility in this matter, and here was the conversation:

Me: Hypothetically, if I were the one who hit the deer, do I have any responsibility here?
Officer: Well, if your vehicle was hypothetically damaged, we would like to know.
Me: It's a '91 Buick Century. That basically means it's a tank.
Officer: So, I'm going to guess that would be a "no."
Me: Right you are.
Officer: Do you have your license on you?
Me: That depends, did I do anything illegal?
Officer: Not having your license on you while driving would be somewhat illegal, yeah.
Me: Alright, here you are.

At this point, he radios to his 5-0 buddies, using the funnybook alphabet, and they conclude (through some mystery) that there are no outstanding warrants for my arrest.

Officer: Alright, you can take off.
Me: Thanks.
Officer: Now go hit another one.
Me: I'll do what I can. I'd hate to go without a kill tonight.

Probably not the best thing to say to a police officer, something I should have realized earlier, but I was rather shaken up from the whole experience. He just gave me a crooked glance and sent me on my way.

This whole time, the woman and her teenage son were trying to lead the deer into the woods, which they were successful in doing. I don't know if the thing is going to live or not, but it seemed to have all four of its feet underneath it when I last saw it. Basically, we can assume that I'm not racking up any bad karma here with Vishnu.

I think I'll have that inch and a half of Hennessy now.

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