Thursday, August 04, 2005

Magikers, Lacks, and Restaurants, oh my!

Walking Into Clarksdale

I should have put something in the title about American history as well, but I'm lazy.

Yesterday, I made the trip of my life. The trip that would complete the task of the complete rearrangement and redesign of my apartment. (I was rearranging and redesigning because I was a fool and signed on for another year in this shitty apartment, where I'm surrounded by rubes, mental patients, and immigrants -- all of which are the cause of every problem America has.)

I went to Ikea.

I bought a magiker and a lack. Now, from the picture, that magiker may not look like much, but that's only because you fail at looking. If you'll look closely, you'll see that there is space for me to display my vinyl singles and such. Therefore, this will be the best magiker you've ever seen, which brings me to my next point.

The pact was made between me and a friend that this "coffee table" will be referred to only as "the magiker." Hence, when someone comes over, I can say things like this:

If you're going to put your glass on the magiker, could you please use a coaster?

Hilarity will ensue as $VISITOR tries to figure out what "the magiker" could possibly be. When I return to the room and find a coaster on my bookshelf, we'll all have a great laugh.

After this amazing Ikea experience, we went down to Nicollett Mall to find something to eat. We saw a sign for the "8th Street Grill," but what we found was something much more exciting, much more expensive, and much more pretentious:

The Capitol Grille.

Upon our entrance, I noticed that the sand in the ashtray had "CG" in script letters pressed into it. This instantly made me ask the host, "How would you rate the expensiveness of your restaurant?" The woman on the phone behind him started pointing towards the sky. I was confused.

We looked at the menu and found a couple of things for around 10 dollars. Not that bad, I figure. We're downtown in a real city, 10 dollars for lunch is not that bad.

Well, the food was absolutely astounding, but I felt as though I was sent through some sort of caste warp, like I was suddenly thrown onto a much higher rung of the social ladder than I currently am. (I know, you're all thinking, "But King Bee, who is on a higher rung of said ladder than you?" I appreciate it, but flattery will get you nowhere.)

They had pictures of Minneapolitan (it's a word now) socialites on the walls. The menu was one page, with the remaining 3 pages dedicated to a wine list. We were served large disks of what I could only figure was some kind of unleavened bread. My friend asked for mustard and got Grey Poupon. He was served iced tea in what looked to be a miniature wine decanter (a carafe, I believe they are called). My club sandwich came with the weirdest (and best) sauce of all time. My beer cost $4.75. The hostess winked at me on my way out.

After this excursion, we decided to head home, which is about the time I perished, as it was 373 degrees with 978 per cent humidity, and I refuse to ever use the air conditioning in my car. Due to this disgusting weather, the farms of Iowa smell worse than a fat man in a sauna. I almost wanted to rip out my olfactory bulb to avoid the odor. However, I did get to rock out to some radio edited version of Tool's "Lateralus," although it was only a specter of its monstrous 9+ minutes.

And now, we must change gears for a moment, and discuss the 1970s. There is a show on MTV called "That 70s House," where a bunch of "The Real World" rejects are forced to live as though it were the 1970s. The person who becomes the "most 70s" will win a free time machine or something, I'm not exactly sure.

Anyway, I caught the first 5 minutes of the most recent episode, where all of the occupants of the house were to take a "pop quiz" on things going on in the 70s. I thought these questions were easy for anyone with a mind. Therefore, I will post them here, and the first person to get all the answers will win a prize, probably something crappy. Please do not use the internet to find answers to these questions, use only your current knowledge.

1. What year did the United States celebrate its bicentennial?
2. "ERA" stands for "Equal Rights" what?
3. What major military conflict did the US pull out of in the 70s?
4. Name 3 presidents who served in the 1970s.
5. What country took American citizens hostage in 1979?

A few notes: I'm pretty sure there are 2 answers for number 2, one person on the show didn't know what bicentennial meant (as such, he answered 1953, which is the dumbest thing ever, because he's on a goddamned 1970s show), and one girl's only hope was "that there is someone dumber than me in this house."

Once again, I have just been shown that I have more knowledge and am likely smarter than roughly 78% of the people on this planet.

I hit a butterfly with my car. I felt kind of sad at the time. The feeling has since passed.

I hit a butterfly the other day too. Thankfully, I was going nearly 85 and it lacked the time to scream.

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