Thursday, August 18, 2005

Better consult Stephen Hawking on this one.

organic jasmine pearl dragon #1

I just got back from a romantic dinner alone, mainly because I am not aware of any female in a 50 mile radius who actively wants to be with me. I did, however, choose a place where I know a cute waitress works, and I went mainly so I could make eyes with her, which I did wholeheartedly. She even engaged me in some small talk for like 45 seconds, so we can safely say "mission accomplished." The only thing that irritated me was that she was waiting on every table in the restaurant except mine. Instead, I had the less than attractive male waiter, while the sexy-like-a-librarian-with-a-nose-piercing Nici tended to all of the elderly customers. Furthermore, I had to put up with some divorced thirtysomething man flirting with my love interest. I should have been more proactive. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

However, this is not going to be the topic for today's entry. We're going to talk about Best Buy today, and we will try to discover why it is a black hole for the memories of all the employees there.

I grant myself about 50 dollars a month to spend at Best Buy, otherwise I probably wouldn't have enough money to eat. I've been sticking to this pretty rigorously, so I was all happy yesterday when I finally got to go there for the first time this month. I had plans to buy Sin City on DVD, and while I was there, I decided to pick up the John Cusack classic "Better Off Dead" and New Order's "Waiting for the Sirens' Call," a CD that has just been dying to be in my collection since it came out back in early spring. After finding all these items, I gleefully walked up to the registers along with a 5 dollar coupon in hand.

First, my cashier was a lanky fellow, couldn't have been more than 19, who couldn't figure out that his scanning gun was caught in his cash drawer (there's a double entendre for you). He kept pulling and pulling, and wouldn't listen to my pleas to just open the cash drawer. After ringing me up, the bill came to 53-something, and I was astounded. He claimed everything seemed to be in order, so I paid him.

On my way out, the "meeter-and-greeter" gave me a head nod and told me to have a nice night. I reciprocated the sentiment, and I was on my way out the door. While passing through the Star Trek automatic doorjamb, I decided to look at my receipt and try to figure out how these 3 items, along with a 5 dollar coupon, could cost over 50 dollars. I then realized that he had rung up my CD twice when I had only one copy. Well, that's what we get for allowing failures to work as cashiers.

No problem, I think to myself. I can just walk back inside and get this taken care of instantly. I wasn't in "give me what I want or I'll destroy your company" mode, like I can be sometimes, so everything should run smoothly. I turn around and walk through the entrance door.

Dear readers, please realize that at most 12 to 15 seconds have passed since "my future lies in being a greeter at Wal-Mart" guy gave me the head nod and wished me a good evening. Here is the conversation that ensued as I reentered the store:

Him: Hi! [seeing the bag in my hand] Returning something today?
Me: Uh, no, not really. The guy over there just accidentally rang my CD up twice, so I just wanted to get that rectified.
Him: Okay, not a problem. Did this happen today?
Me: Are you serious? You just watched me walk out the door and you said "Have a good night." That was like 15 seconds ago.
Him: Sorry sir, I don't remember every face that I see throughout the day.
Me: Wow, then you must be a bang-up security guard. This was about 20 seconds ago.
Him: I'm not a security guard. I just stand here and make sure no one is walking out with any merchandise without paying for it.
Me: Isn't that what a security guard does?
Him: Yeah, well, I don't have a license or anything.
Me: Alright....
Him: So, let's see what you're returning today. Are you returning all 3 of the items in this bag?
Me: I just told you. I'm not returning anything. The cashier over there charged me twice for this CD, and I want rectified.
Him: Jeez, sorry. Let me walk you over to the returns counter.

I know I'm not the most unique person in the world, or the most memorable. However, I do know for a fact that I am in the top 2 percentile for men with the longest hair in this country. You don't often see someone with hair as long and as black as mine, especially here in Iowa. When you see me, acknowledge me, then see me 15 seconds later, you should be able to realize, "Hey, that's the same guy I just saw."

I think I lost some brain cells while conversing with this sorry excuse for a rational being, but that's the price one pays for shopping at Best Buy. That, and their "Buy one CD, pay double the price" promotion they have running right now.

As a second instance of memory black holedness, we turn our attention to the next part of the story. There is a girl about my age who works as a cashier there, and through some crazy roll of the dice, she is my cashier 9 times out of 10. Whenever that happens, I make some joke about how I don't want to have a free subscription to Entertainment Weekly, because I know she's going to ask because she has to. She always laughs and so forth. I assume she would recognize me. Here is the conversation we had:

Her: What seems to be the problem?
Me: [I explain.]
Her: Sorry about that. [Pushes some buttons, scans some things.] So, are you moving in today like everyone else?
Me: What?
Her: Into the dorms? Are you moving in today?
Me: No, I've lived her about a year now. Don't you remember me?
Her: Sorry! Where did we meet?
Me: Uh, here. I always joke to you about Entertainment Weekly, because I never want it.
Her: Sorry. I just thought you were a freshman is all.

Apparently this relationship meant more to me than it did to her.

I have no idea what's going on in this Best Buy. It is probably not unlike what happens in the movie Dark City, but I'm just not evolved enough to prove it yet. I'll keep you posted on that one.

Lastly, don't complain about the fact that "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (book)" is on two lines on your computer screen. Get a bigger monitor with better resolution. It's all on one line for me.

You should take advantage of your Best Buy anonymity and start stuffing stereos down your pants.

There's always "next time."
This was your best story yet. Oh, wait... this is your real life. Ha, ha. All the better (or sadder). I think your memoirs "When I Was King" will someday win the Pulitzer... or at least the Caldecott Medal.

I'm glad you can dig on it. Soon I'll also be using the TMMMLB as an outlet again. I can't wait!
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You deserve to die for that comment.
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