Friday, August 05, 2005

All shall love me and despair


number one with a bullet

Yesterday was the great "The Lord of the Rings" day (or "Der Herr der Ringe," if you're so inclined). Basically, that just means you have to watch all three of the extended versions of the LOTR movies back to back to back. The entire ordeal lasts roughly 682 minutes, and if you're hip to dividing things by 60, you'd see that amounts to 11 hours, 22 minutes. Let me just say that it was well worth the time spent, and that I love those movies. I strongly desire to find some hot Elven chick who will love me even until the end of the world.

I am also convinced that buying a frozen pizza and then putting fresh toppings on it (onions, peppers, artichokes, an 18 dollar block of parmesean cheese, etc.) is a quick and easy way to have a delicious pie at your fingertips.

Yes, folks, today we have music news for you. This has been grating my mind away for a few days, so I thought I'd share it with you. The worst song on the "alternative rock" stations in this country right now is "Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fallout Boy. This song is a travesty for a number of reasons, which I will outline here.

First, the name of the band quite obviously comes from the hit show "The Simpsons." There is a superhero in the made up comic books of that show called "Radioactive Man;" his trusty sidekick is "Fallout Boy." By default, this is then a stupid name for a band. We all know that if your name sucks and you make good music (The Beatles), nobody cares, and everything is great. However, if your name sucks and your music does as well (Jimmy Eat World), then you're in all sorts of trouble. Therefore, Fallout Boy is in all sorts of trouble.

Second, while I can't be arsed to actually have to listen to the entire song and count how many times the fucking chorus is repeated, I am almost certain that the opening lines of the chorus are said at least 10 times. This is extremely annoying, as it is quite obvious to me that the band thinks they came up with something awesome, so if they put it in the song a zillion times, everyone will love it. This is not so.

Third, they are headlining some sort of Nintendo Fusion tour, and the woman on the radio said that Fallout Boy would be bringing all sorts of cool bands with them. I hate the music Fallout Boy makes, so the chances are good that all the music they like is also terrible.

Fourth, the wavering of the lead singer's voice when he says "cock it and pull it" at the end of the chorus makes me want to take two phillip's head screwdrivers and insert one into my anus while I use the other one to pierce my eardrums, so that I will not be subjected to such a fucking terrible noise.

Fifth, the song is way too long. The song of the week (which you will find to your right) is only 2:35 seconds long. This is because it doesn't have a lot of varying parts, and largely because The White Stripes know how to write music.

Sixth, when you put confusing metaphors such as "a loaded god complex" into your song simply because you think that it sounds good when there is no real meaning behind it because your band sucks, you will fail. Oh, this song has that line in it, by the way.

Seventh, when you cite any movie starring Billy Dee Williams (with the exception of The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi), you will fail. Oh, this song has that in it too.

Eighth, this song sucks. If you like it, you suck too.

Alright, enough of that. Just so everyone knows, Pearl Jam sucks. The only saving grace they'll ever have is found in the last 3 lines of the song "Black."

Speaking of the last lines of things, I love the last lines of the book of the week (also found to your right):

Once the silent majority of illegal drug users begins to speak out, the sterotypes that drive the war on drugs will be impossible to sustain.

He's talking about responsible people. You know, like most people who do drugs.

A few days ago, I saw a vehicle whose license plate said "TIMELRD." Now, we can only hope that this plate was referring to the classic NES title "Timelord," where you are sent back in time for some reason to collect orbs so that you can eventually go back to your original time. I know, I don't get it either.

Comments:
timelord used to scare the shit out of me.
and your next song of the week should be "a warm embrace" by doug yayo, only because it's also 2 minutes and thirty-five seconds long (or around there, i think).

furthermore, do you also hate the titles of my bands songs as much as i do?

-C to the Hessy
 
I do hate them.

Furthermore, Nine Inch Nails has a song called "A Warm Place." I can only assume you are ripping that off. Sorry.
 
oh come on..it's not like i'm naming songs "Even Colder" up in here...

muahahahahaha
 
The name of the song was "Even Colder (Bone)," by the way.

That's much worse.
 
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours? Listed on BlogShares