Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A "Godspeed" or two was said in that room.


fancy a tower, love?

I'm updating now because the morning is boring, and the majority of you don't get up until 2pm. This can be a treat from you when you wake up to see me calling all of you a bunch of lazy bums.

I just watched a space shuttle launch -- holy crap. Those things go so fast that I could die. It's fascinating and amazing and blah blah blah and so forth.

However, they are wasting this technology. One of the goals of this current expedition is to study "tile repair." You can't make this up, folks. They're messing around with tiles instead of loading these space cowboys up with enough fuel to get to Mars and see what the hell is up with the rockin'-est planet since Venus (the sex planet). We'd probably find a bunch of hot alien babes on a planet like Mars (well, probably moreso on Venus, but the sulfur is kind of a turnoff). However, they would probably end up being totally strange and having like 5 boobs or a vagina with teeth (NSFW) or something. Alack, I could still go for some Martian brides.

Anyway, the other thing we need to worry about is their (the space monkeys') inanimate carbon rod supply. I hope they have enough to get to where they're going (which isn't that far).

The newscaster for the whole event was just too terrible to exist. When the shuttle finally got into orbit/space/whatever, the failure at life began to describe what was being described to him. (What was being described to him was the actions of those in the main control room.) He said, and I quote:

A lot of hugging going on in there. Cheering too. One man has his head down, cradled in his hands. Likely, out of joy. A "Godspeed" or two was said in that room, I can assure you.

Jesus, how much is this guy getting paid?

In other non-space related news, here is another story, about a girl and menstruation. (Now there's an attention grabber!)

The grocery store that is within walking distance of my apartment will sometimes print out coupons with your receipt. Usually, this is good. For instance, I recently got a coupon for 6 dollars (!!) off of the exact type of allergy medicine that I purchase frequently because I'm allergic to everything on this has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

Yesterday, things were quite different. I filled my basket with the usual two bottles of wine, loaf of bread, and select cheeses and made my way to the checkout lanes (well, I guess that was not different at all). I was going to go through the self-checkout lanes, because those are pretty sweet, but I couldn't, because I made eyes with a cute girl who went by the moniker of "Katie H," who I could only assume was a stand-in for Katie Holmes. She asked if I was ready to checkout, and I said that I was, so naturally I checked out her ass as she turned around to head to her register. It was pretty decent.

Anyway, she starts making conversation with me, and I respond, as I usually do in these situations.

Her: Is it still wicked hot outside? I haven't been out there in like 5 hours. [I'm not kidding, she actually said "wicked." How cool is that?]
Me: Oh my god, yes. It's so gross. Days like this, I'm glad I have air conditioning in my apartment.
Her: Totally.

Then, she gave me the receipt to sign because I always pay with credit card. After I signed and returned the pen and slip to her, she gave me the receipt for my goods as well as one of those coupons I was talking about before. Unfortunately, it was a coupon for Always. You know, maxi pads.

First of all, I have no use for these. Second of all, even if I were a female, I would totally wear tampons. Maxi pads are pretty gross.

So then I said to the cashier:

Me: Uhh, I have no use for these, as I don't often menstruate.
Her: [Laughing] Sorry! What, you don't have a girlfriend or something?
Me: Not as such, no.
Her: Interesting. I'll take that coupon then. I'll give it to my mom, I suppose. I don't use pads, really.

Ahh, the perfect woman.

I totally framed some records yesterday, and now my apartment has cooler things in it than yours. I'm going to frame some more today, and then you'll all be jealous and die. If I can get the Someday Bum to come over and take pictures of it for me sometime, then I will post them here, and you will all be guilty of committing the second of the seven deadly sins.

I think I'm going to eat a sandwich today.

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