Friday, July 29, 2005

Why Austria Sucks


fanny by the gaslight

Once again, I'll treat you all to a hip-happenin', rip-roarin' update from the ol' coffee house in the lovely city of Nowheresville, Indiana Iowa.

Yesterday, after getting about five hours of sleep and being extremely hungover, I helped my German friend (Sieg Heil) move out of his apartment. We only had a truck for four hours -- we got done in 1. I was very pleased. He will be living with me for the next 11 days, where we will engage such topics as "Why Austria Sucks," "Why The Metric System Owns You," and "Why France Sucks."

My apartment has been rearranged such that I can now seat 7 people comfortably. Naturally, this means I will soon invite 6 women over, and we will have a "who can refrain from making out with me the longest" contest. This contest will likely continue until Jesus, the Risen Christ, returns -- for the third time.

As far as music news is concerned, there's nothing terribly new/interesting out on the market, and it's been that way for a few weeks now. However, I have recently acquired an album by an indie band called "Of Montreal." What I've heard "of" them was good, and I plan on listening to this album in its entirety later. I will let you know what I think "of" them.

Scarlett Johansson has become a woman. I noticed this a couple of nights ago, as I sat in the theater watching "The Island," which was not too bad as far as summer action flicks are concerned. I strongly suggest that everyone see it, if for no other reason than to watch Enid's friend Rebecca and Obi-King Wasabi prance around on the screen for 136 minutes. Ahh, there is nothing like watching beautiful people do things.

Finally, I leave you with a few fun facts about Jet Li, the results of a debate/discussion last night after seeing "Unleashed" for the 2nd time:

1. His real name is not Jet Li.
2. He is currently married, for the second time. He has 3 children.
3. As such, he is not celibate.
4. He was born in 1963.
5. "Danny the Dog" is the "real" name of the movie "Unleashed." (A lot of quotation marks, no?)

And now, I apologize. This entry was neither hip-happenin' nor rip-roarin'. I'll make up for it later, but I have to go use the facilities now.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A "Godspeed" or two was said in that room.


fancy a tower, love?

I'm updating now because the morning is boring, and the majority of you don't get up until 2pm. This can be a treat from you when you wake up to see me calling all of you a bunch of lazy bums.

I just watched a space shuttle launch -- holy crap. Those things go so fast that I could die. It's fascinating and amazing and blah blah blah and so forth.

However, they are wasting this technology. One of the goals of this current expedition is to study "tile repair." You can't make this up, folks. They're messing around with tiles instead of loading these space cowboys up with enough fuel to get to Mars and see what the hell is up with the rockin'-est planet since Venus (the sex planet). We'd probably find a bunch of hot alien babes on a planet like Mars (well, probably moreso on Venus, but the sulfur is kind of a turnoff). However, they would probably end up being totally strange and having like 5 boobs or a vagina with teeth (NSFW) or something. Alack, I could still go for some Martian brides.

Anyway, the other thing we need to worry about is their (the space monkeys') inanimate carbon rod supply. I hope they have enough to get to where they're going (which isn't that far).

The newscaster for the whole event was just too terrible to exist. When the shuttle finally got into orbit/space/whatever, the failure at life began to describe what was being described to him. (What was being described to him was the actions of those in the main control room.) He said, and I quote:

A lot of hugging going on in there. Cheering too. One man has his head down, cradled in his hands. Likely, out of joy. A "Godspeed" or two was said in that room, I can assure you.

Jesus, how much is this guy getting paid?

In other non-space related news, here is another story, about a girl and menstruation. (Now there's an attention grabber!)

The grocery store that is within walking distance of my apartment will sometimes print out coupons with your receipt. Usually, this is good. For instance, I recently got a coupon for 6 dollars (!!) off of the exact type of allergy medicine that I purchase frequently because I'm allergic to everything on this has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

Yesterday, things were quite different. I filled my basket with the usual two bottles of wine, loaf of bread, and select cheeses and made my way to the checkout lanes (well, I guess that was not different at all). I was going to go through the self-checkout lanes, because those are pretty sweet, but I couldn't, because I made eyes with a cute girl who went by the moniker of "Katie H," who I could only assume was a stand-in for Katie Holmes. She asked if I was ready to checkout, and I said that I was, so naturally I checked out her ass as she turned around to head to her register. It was pretty decent.

Anyway, she starts making conversation with me, and I respond, as I usually do in these situations.

Her: Is it still wicked hot outside? I haven't been out there in like 5 hours. [I'm not kidding, she actually said "wicked." How cool is that?]
Me: Oh my god, yes. It's so gross. Days like this, I'm glad I have air conditioning in my apartment.
Her: Totally.

Then, she gave me the receipt to sign because I always pay with credit card. After I signed and returned the pen and slip to her, she gave me the receipt for my goods as well as one of those coupons I was talking about before. Unfortunately, it was a coupon for Always. You know, maxi pads.

First of all, I have no use for these. Second of all, even if I were a female, I would totally wear tampons. Maxi pads are pretty gross.

So then I said to the cashier:

Me: Uhh, I have no use for these, as I don't often menstruate.
Her: [Laughing] Sorry! What, you don't have a girlfriend or something?
Me: Not as such, no.
Her: Interesting. I'll take that coupon then. I'll give it to my mom, I suppose. I don't use pads, really.

Ahh, the perfect woman.

I totally framed some records yesterday, and now my apartment has cooler things in it than yours. I'm going to frame some more today, and then you'll all be jealous and die. If I can get the Someday Bum to come over and take pictures of it for me sometime, then I will post them here, and you will all be guilty of committing the second of the seven deadly sins.

I think I'm going to eat a sandwich today.

Monday, July 25, 2005

The boys are back in town


stop (in the name of love)

After a much needed "vacation," I'm back in town, and I'm ready to roll. First, we have a few observations:

1. Thin Lizzy sucks.
2. Pizza Hut is rather expensive.
3. I smoke too much.
4. The road to "Dyersville" is stained red, likely with the blood of many a curious traveler.

Everyone needs to see "The Devil's Rejects." Rob Zombie's filmmaking abilities have improved by leaps and bounds since "House of 1000 Corpses." If you like horror movies at all, and know how to appreciate a good B movie, then you will love this. And, as always, if you hate it, you're probably wrong and shouldn't voice your opinion anyways.

I've added a link to the list on the right, this time for something lame called "Photos by a Someday Bum." He's the major failure that I've been watching take photos, and where all of my photos have been coming from. However, since he has his own website now, I probably won't get anything except the rejects. If you want to see the photography project we were working on before, it is now complete, and you can find it here. Check out the rest of his photos too. They're all so wonderfully disappointing.

Now I'm off to go buy some frames to do something really cool with some vinyl that I've been collecting over the years.

Monday, July 18, 2005

You may have already won!


turn me on

I just made the sweetest phone call in the history of phone calls.

I came back from a junkyard, where I was looking for a part for my car, and the part was too expensive, so I left, a little disappointed. I checked my mail (of the snail variety) upon my return, and found a "travel voucher" from the Ramada Inns and Suites for $1600. Since I don't usually see this every day, I was a bit skeptical. I decide to call them and see what's up. Here is the conversation, with all the good parts intact:

Customer Service Representative: Hello, Ramada Inns and Suites.
Me: Hi, I'm calling in regards to some strange 1600 dollar voucher I got in the mail.
CSR: Oh, congratulations. You've won in our giveaway.
Me: So, what's the catch?
CSR: [totally unintelligible here]
Me: Excuse me? I can't understand a word you're saying.
CSR: Ha ha ha. I said "what kind of fish do you want?"
Me: What the hell?
CSR: Well, you asked what the catch was. So I was asking you which kind of fish you wanted, you get it? "Catch?"
Me: Oh, I got it. You're just confusing the hell out of me. I need to know how much this trip will cost me.
CSR: Well, that's basically a coupon for 1600 dollars off your next trip.
Me: 1600 dollars off? I've never taken a vacation in my life that costs that much.
CSR: Never? Where do you go?
Me: I've been to Europe twice, Seattle, Vancouver, ----
CSR: Europe? Did you [unintelligible] over there?
Me: What?
CSR: Did you paddle over there?
Me: No...
CSR: Plane tickets alone are 1600 dollars, when flying to Europe.
Me: I used my mom's frequent flier miles.
CSR: Well, that's convenient.
Me: I know.
CSR: I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you some free gifts.
Me: What kinds of gifts?
CSR: Free ones. *Click*
New CSR: Hi, this is Nat, who am I speaking to?
Me: "To whom am I speaking." This is Jake.
Nat: What?
Me: Nevermind.
Nat: Are you a sales rep?
Me: No. Are you?
Nat: Sort of. Why are you calling?
Me: Some strange fellow transferred me over to you after offering free gifts. I don't know what's going on.
[insert a bunch of talk here about the various places he wants to send me]
Me: Well, I'm not big on the whole sunshine and smiles type places like Florida.
Nat: Well, that's what we're offerring here.
Me: Then I don't want to go.
Nat: Come on, this is such a great deal.
Me: Yeah, but Orlando is a cultureless black hole.
Nat: Well, what about Fort Lauderdale?
Me: I don't even know where that is.
Nat: Well, I can knock another 500 dollars off for you. It would make it much more affordable.
Me: Can you make it free? That's the only way I'll go.
Nat: I'll tell you what, you're not going to get very far in life if you think everything's going to be free.
Me: [audibly pissed off now] I suppose you're right. I could probably end up with your job.

*click*

Ahh, I feel so good about myself now. Now I'm going to do laundry and pay my energy bill.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Dreams != Reality


useful when your house is on fire

So I was just working on a crossword puzzle and I suck, so I decided to update my blog. I'm sitting in (or outside, rather) Stomping Grounds, the hipster coffee shop slash restaurant that I've talked about before. I felt as though I should fully embrace the Wi-Fi world and update from here, so I am.

Last night, after losing 4-1 in pool and drinking two pitchers of beer, I decided to drink an entire bottle of wine. Naturally, this is always a good idea, especially when you don't have any place to be. I was talking online with this girl I met who lives about 30 miles away, and she came up with the idea to kidnap me.

She came over with one of her roommates, and the deal was done. They whisked me away to DSM, and I was so confused (due to the level of alcohol in my bloodstream). I was convinced this was a dream.

I vaguely remember the details of the evening, but they went something like this:

1. I asked her and her friend to spend the night, and they declined on the grounds that my place was messy and gross.
2. Some hitchhiker with the worst southern accent in the world got in the car and I warned him about the kidnapping nature of the two people in the front.
3. We went to someone's house, where they were watching a bootleg version of Star Wars: Episode III, and I felt it was my duty to commentt on the Adonis-like features of Hayden Christensen.
4. One of the guys in the house got in the car with us, and I made comments about his record collection, and how much it rocked. He had the first Black Sabbath album on vinyl, and I was jealous.
5. We went back to her place, where she and her roommate began drinking, and I tried to stay awake. I fell asleep while smoking a cigarette.
6. I woke up in her bed, fully clothed. How depressing.

I didn't get back home until 2pm today, where I decided to go to the local Hy-Vee (which is a grocery store chain for those of you who don't live in the heartland of America) to get some thinly sliced steaks to make one of my signature Cheesesteak Deluxe sandwiches. The guy working behind the butcher counter didn't know what the hell he was doing, and I got some subpar slices. I was disappointed.

I am also disappointed because my "friend" won't call me back and meet me here, so that we can finish our art project. If you stay tuned long enough, I'll post it when it's finished.

I'm going to call some German guy in a moment and try to convince him that it's a good idea to go see Sin City at the dollar theater with me -- for the sixth time.

--END TRANSMISSION--

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Embrace the random


Ausländer Raus!

Recently, I've been spending all kinds of time with this girl in Des Moines. So much time in fact, that I feel as though I've been in a time warp, and I no longer know what day it is.

Needless to say, I'm going back there tonight.

However, that's not the topic of discussion for today. The topic of discussion is my inability to find frames of a proper size or decent coffee tables.

First, I need a frame that is 36"x48". Yes, I know that's big. Yes, I'm aware that it's not a common size for frames to come in. However, I do not expect the cheapest custom-made frame of that size to be THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY US DOLLARS. Luckily, they have a 50% off sale going on, so it's only $170. Oh, that's peanuts!

Without this frame, my life will never be complete. Hence, if you find a frame for a reasonable price or know how slash want to make one, then feel free to contact me.

Secondly, coffee tables. They should cost next to nothing, and Goodwill should have a plethora of them. Neither of those things is occurring. I am beginning to get upset.

A poster company falsely advertised the size of one of their posters, and I am none too happy with this. I have contacted them, and they said they would get back to me. Yeah, right. Give me back my 19 dollars, bitch.

I'm somewhat pleased because Olympia Manet (like that's anyone's real name) of Postmodern Courtesan "bought" some shares of my blog on Blogshares, some wacky stock market whose "companies" are the blogs of idiots (like me). If you like me, you'll buy some shares too.

I've also added a link to "Overheard in NYC," a hilarious and brilliant blog. Well, I added it a few days ago, but whatever. I haven't posted until now. Leave me alone.

Want to know what it is about? CLICK IT.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Your favorite band sucks.


sales to minors prohibited

I'm a free man.

Well, for a month and a half, anyway.

Last night, my class came to an end, and I celebrated by drinking 4,000 pitchers of beer and smoking 572 cigarettes. Needless to say, my lungs and my liver (who I call "The L-Boyz") are a bit perturbed. Now I need to get back in "get in shape" mode. Rock it.

I really like [read: hate] it when newspapers decide to get people who know absolutely nothing about movies/music to review them. For instance, the ISU student paper has some chump named "Abby Lorenz" reviewing their movies. So I totally just put her name like that so that the next time she googles herself, she'll hopefully find this and freak out.

Anyways, being the idiot that she is, she criticizes Nolan on his work on Batman Begins for being too much like Joel Schumacher, the mastermind behind such tripe as the last two Batman films. She hates it for being a bit too fantastical to be based in reality. She says that Nolan used up all his creativity on Memento (apparently she hasn't seen anything else by him). Needless to say, she probably didn't even see the film at all. She gives it a 3 out of 5.

"War of the Worlds," this summer's biggest crap-o-rama, gets a 3.5 out of 5. Why? Because it is so fantastical. This woman apparently needs to be hit over the head with a consistency rod.

I don't mind if people don't like the same movies and music that I do. If everyone did, I'd have no hope, or I'd just get kicked out of concerts of bands that I do like, because mister "never shower" has a problem with me being in front of him and etc. Okay, only 2 or maybe 4 people might get that reference. Let's start over.

I don't mind if people don't like the same movies and music that I do. If people want to have terrible taste in things, I'm not going to stop them. However, if you do not like something and you're going to make claims about it, you need to back up those claims. You are free to just say "I didn't like it at all," and then move on with your life, ignoring questions from everyone inquires as to the reason why you hate a movie or a band. However, the instant you say something about it, like "it was predictable" (oooh, scathing), or "this vocalist sounds like someone is hitting Billy Corgan with a cat," then evidence is required. If you think these things, there are obviously reasons why you do. Simply tell me what they are, and then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong.

Therefore, if you hate Magnolia, The Machinist, Batman Begins, or Sin City, let's chat. If you despise the voices of Jack White, Robert Plant, or Maynard James Keenan, drop me a line. I'm absolutely positive that I can either get you to change your mind, or just upset you to the point that you want to tear my throat out. I'm good at that.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

It's good to be in love


Advanced Steadycam Discussion

So the picture to your right was taken as I was passing between parallel planes of existence. By that, I mean it was taken as I was walking up the steps to some Chinese restaurant, so that's why it's blurry. Sorry.

I won't ever eat spicy squid things from that place again.

Soon, my summer class will be over. Then, between the days of July 7th and August somethingth, I will have nothing to do. Therefore, my hope is for my summer will consist of the following things, although not necessarily in this order:

1. Lose another inch on my waist
2. Make an awesome remix of "Only" by Nine Inch Nails
3. Learn how to better use this remixing software thing
4. Go to New York City
4. Go to Milwaukee and Madison to get drunk
5. Get drunk
6. Become the "Lord of the Summer," i.e., the champion of both Mortal Kombat and billiards
7. Get a girlfriend
8. Get an attractive girlfriend
9. Get an attractive girlfriend that I wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with in public
10. Go skydiving
11. Watch every Buffy: The Vampire Slayer episode ever created

So, as you can see, it's a pretty full list of things to do in only a month and a half. Let's just hope I can accomplish them all.

Band (song name) suggestions for the week: Frou Frou (Let Go), Beck (Girl), Elliot Smith (Needle in the Hay), and The Dresden Dolls (Gravity).

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Order #626124


A tall order to fill

So I finally got my cd today, and the first song on it makes me want to kill myself, not in a bad way, in a good "I exaggerate all the fucking time" way.

Many of you are probably wondering what that means, so here's a "Brief History of Time [which I've Spent Crushing on the Most Interesting Girl in Iowa]," or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Iced Cafe Lattes."

There is a restaurant/coffee shop here in Ames that I've spoken of before, where all the waitresses are the cutest girls in a 39 mile radius, but one of them stands out the most. Not only because she's easily the most attractive, but she's also the wittiest, most brilliant, and overall most interesting of all the baristas. She also has her own radio show where she plays some of the best music I've ever heard. I generally use it as a barometer for the music I should be listening to, if for no other reason than to stay ahead of the pop music scene.

In any event, whenever I would come in, we would discuss music for a while, throwing band names back and forth, basically telling the other what to listen to for the current week.

Well, one time I mentioned The Stone Roses (who were easily about 10 years ahead of what pop rock would become), and she didn't know who they were. I totally flipped out and sliced my throat. After recovering a few seconds later, I told her she had to check them out, because anyone who wants to have any sort of opinion about the modern state of music needs to have at least a working knowledge of The Stone Roses.

I told her I would make her a cd, which I did. She said if I actually did that, she would make me a mix cd of bands she was listening to. You know, a total "High Fidelity" way of getting to know one another. How fitting.

After waiting weeks, I never got my cd. Fine, I figure, she'll make it sometime, there's no rush. It's just another thing that gives me an excuse to talk to her.

Well, she took a five day trip to NYC about two weeks ago, and that was enough to convince her to move there for the rest of her life. She seems like a total seat-of-her-fashionable-pants type of girl, so I can honestly say that I'm not terribly surprised, but it was kind of sudden. After finding out about the move, we agreed on a deadline for the cd -- the last day she would be working, which was today.

My plan was to slowly get to know her until I could work up the courage to ask her out somewhere (it's always impossible for me to do so with girls I actually really like, it's always so much easier with the ones I downright despise). Naturally, the move put the kibosh on that. So I took what I could get; which, in the end, was a cd whose first song begins with the lines "I don't like your company, I'm so sick of you. I don't want to be your friend no more, leave me alone. How could I be so stupid to have faith in you?" (Naturally, you see why I wanted to pluck my eyes out with a rusty spoon.) As I'm listening right now, I'm thinking the cd could have some hidden message, or maybe I'm just looking for things that aren't there, or maybe most of the music she likes has a constant theme.

I should have probably asked her if she wanted to hang out like 19 different times, but as the brie-eating surrender-monkeys say, c'est la vie. I never had the cojones to do anything about it. (Spanish and French in one paragraph!)

The final conversation I had with her went something like this (basically sealing the deal that probably never had a chance anyway):

Me: Hey, I just wanted to be the 912th person to wish you good luck in New York.
Her: Thanks! I really hope you like the cd.
Me: I'm sure I will. I know that New York is the perfect city for someone like you. You'll love it.
Her: I totally hope so. Have a good rest of your life, I guess.


Now, that probably comes off a lot colder in text than it actually was in real life, but whatever. You'll have to make due and imagine her smiling when she said that last line. I know I'll never forget what that looked like.

My pocketbook probably really benefits from this though. Now I don't have to go in every morning at 10am and order an Iced Single Tall Cafe Latte To Go every morning just to catch a conversation with the DJ for "Take One To Two, Twice Daily."

Moving on, the "new" album by Beck totally kicks my ass, and everyone needs to listen to it. Unless I've totally misinterpreted the new single "Girl" (which is entirely possible, Beck is weird), I'm pretty sure it's about someone like the waitress who took order #626124. At least, that's what it does for me.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

48-Down: One of 37-Across


48-Down: One of 37-Across

I spent most of my night last night at the Stomping Grounds (a coffee shop slash restaurant with a delightful pun of a name). I was reading Saying Yes, a book written by one of the editors for Reason Online. Now, if you know anything about that website, you probably know what you're getting yourself into. It's basically a book about legalization of any kind of drug. He makes a fine argument for his case, and anyone who quotes Homer Simpson ("To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems") will definitely grab my attention.

Speaking of grabbing attention, that book got a little boring after a while, and I felt a little like a chump sitting there alone with an American Spirit in one hand and an Old Speckled Hen in the other (the book was on my lap, okay?), so I decided to call my friend so that I could look somewhat popular in the eyes of others. Roughly half an hour after he showed up, the "ISU Jazz Quintet" started playing. I was blown away. I love live jazz so much that I could kill myself, and I would, if only it were socially acceptable, and I would be guaranteed to have ghost-like powers that I would use to haunt a women's locker room somewhere in La Jolla.

In other news, I've been slacking off in the crossword puzzle department lately. I haven't finished one in the last couple of weeks, and that's not good. In order to keep your lexicon rich, it is a good idea to do such puzzles. You wouldn't want to become stagnant, would you?

The only thing I hate about crossword puzzles are the clues that tell you to look at another clue, and that other clue simply tells you to glance back at the one you just came from (lost yet?). For instance, 48-Down might say "one of 37-Across," while 37-Across will say "see 48-Down." Where I come from, that's not a clue, that's torture.

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