Tuesday, June 14, 2005

An open letter to failures

Alright, general populace, we need to have a discussion about highway driving. I know they don't teach it in Driver's Ed (because I had that class too), so I guess I'm your final hope for any sort of information on the topic.

Firstly, whatever speed you want to drive is fine -- so long as you stay in the right lane. The instant you get in the left lane, you are forced to either drive the speed of the people behind you or get back in the right lane. If you're not comfortable driving 90 miles an hour in your car that was made back when you still thought girls had cooties and that's what made them "girls" (like my car was), then you just need to get out of the left lane.

When you can easily see someone in your rearview bearing down on you, get out of the way.

Next, there is to be no varying of your speed at any time. Most cars nowadays have cruise control, and unless you're obviously driving a car without one, I will not accept any variation in your forward velocity. If I decide to pass you by continuing at my 81 miles an hour, I don't want you suddenly accelerating to 83 miles an hour just to make my life miserable.

Thirdly, there is a thing called merging. It's not pleasant for anyone, but everyone has to do it. Just speed the fuck up, and everything will take care of itself. None of this slow business will be tolerable.

Fourthly, blinkers are mandatory. I don't care if no one is around for miles. On the highway, things happen quickly. You need to let everyone around you know what you are doing so that one of them doesn't go from singing an awesome song by Blur to screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs and proclaiming various voodoo curses against you. Not that I would know from experience or anything, but I'm just warning you. You don't know who you might upset with your lack of skill at being a decent human being.

Finally, semi trucks are the gods of your travelling path. When you upset them, they get upset at cars in general, and in turn, me. Therefore, do not pass them on the right, and when they turn their blinkers on, let them in. They're coming anyways, there's nothing you can do about it.

In music news, I've come to terms with Gorillaz (mainly because I found out they were fronted by two of my favorite musicians of all time). Chicks on Speed and Autechre have been standard fare in the past couple days as well. Listen to them and become a better person.

Comments:
I don't have a fucking driver's license, and even I know this shit.
 
That's because you're special.
 
chicks on speed = yes

slowing down (blinkerless) prior to entering turn lanes = should make your next 'how to drive' post
 
I'll keep it in mind.
 
Autechre = Auto + Euchre.
 
DUDE YOU HAVE BLOWN MY MIND
 
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